Bittersweet

"For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever.

Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion

because of the greatness of His unfailing love."

-- Lamentations 3:31-32

Well, it's May 1st. My stomach gets in knots every year about the time April comes around because I know that very soon April will end and May will begin...May 1st. This date marks the anniversary of the day I lost my Dad. To be more specific, this date in 2010 marks the tenth anniversary of the day I lost my Dad. How could I let this day pass without writing about it here at my teeny, tiny spot on the web?

A bittersweet day.

If there's one thing I've learned as I've grown into adulthood, is that us girls need our Daddy's moreso as adults than as little girls. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of my Daddy and the memories I have are the stuff dreams are made of. Those memories, while they're sweet, they're also bitter.

Bittersweet.

I found myself browsing through old photos today looking for a few to post on here and memory after memory came flying back at me. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Happy tears, happy times. I guess that's the sweetness. Memories of happy times and the joy and peace of knowing that death isn't forever. In just a little while, we'll meet back up again and pick up right where we left off as if we never spent a minute apart.

Bittersweet.

On nearly a daily basis, in the day-to-day mundaneness of my little life, I find myself thinking of what might have been. How might things be different if Daddy were still alive? I know it's selfish to have those thoughts because he's in a much better place than this crummy planet we're spinning around on.

I remember that I was in the 10th grade on May 1, 2000...ten very short years ago. A Monday, beautiful Spring day, when the news was broken. I could write on and on about the details of that day and the days that followed. It was as if we went through it only a short time ago, most definitely not 10 years ago. Since then, it's taken me a while to be able to talk about my Dad - almost painful at times to relive it again and again. Well, I've done some growing up over the past 10 years and I would like to think Daddy would be proud of the woman, wife, Mama that I've become...or I should say "I am becoming." I'm a work in progress.

Bittersweet.

A few short years later, after I graduated high school, I got engaged and a little while later, got married. This is when I started to figure out that I needed my Daddy more now than I did as a child. Marriage brings it's own can of worms and I long for the opportunity to spend some time talking about my marriage and my new life to the man who loved me first, before my Prince Charming came riding in on a white stallion.

Bittersweet.

Fast-forward a few years and we get pregnant...a boy. My heart is broken that my Daddy's not here to see his first grandchild - a son - grow up. And what do you know? That boy is the spitting image of my Dad...in his looks and most of all, in his personality. At first glance, it is most obvious that my Harrison resembles Justin the most. But, when you study photos of him, he favors my Dad so much. Funny how God works like that?

Bittersweet.

Fast-forward a few more years and we get pregnant again...another boy. A boy that we decide to give my Dad's name, David. He is Brigdon David. "A man after God's own heart." From the time Harrison was born, I began to see a change in another man in my life, my father-in-law, who I think the world of. He's a good man. I think grandbabies have that effect of grandparents...they just turn them to mush. Now, we have 2 beautiful, vibrant, happy boys...so much like their Papa David, it hurts. I watch my father-in-law with them and how much he adores them and how much they adore him, and I can't help but think, "Why can't Daddy be here to love and adore these boys??" I think of the men they will be someday and the positive imprint on their little lives that my Dad would make on them. It angers me that my God would yank someone like that out of our lives. We need him here; I need him here.

Bittersweet.

BUT - Now for the good news! God always has a plan. I've said it before and I will keep saying it for the rest of my days...Nothing that happens in my life isn't already under His feet - God's feet. Although I miss my Dad like crazy and think of his impact on my life EVERY DAY, it's wrong for me to interfere with God's will. This is the creator of the universe we're talking about here! I can say that losing my Dad forced me to grow up quickly and that's not a bad thing. I can say that losing my Dad made an impact on the man I married and plan to spend the rest of my life with, and that's not a bad thing either. My Justin is a good man and many of the qualities that I adored in my Dad, I adore in my Justin. Funny how God works that out?

Bittersweet.

So, I write all of that in hopes that someday when my boys grow up and become Daddy's themselves (someday far, far away), maybe one day they'll read this and hold onto a small glimpse of their Papa David and how special he was to me. I hope this will cause them to be excited to meet him some day. I know the day will come when they'll start asking me more specific questions about their Papa David, but until then we keep it simple..."Papa David lives with Jesus"...and for now that's sufficient enough of an answer.

I love you Daddy and can't wait to introduce you to your grandsons. Hope you're proud of us.

Bittersweet.